Getting out of my own head

As a rule, for most things in my life, if I have set out to do something, I have succeeded. It hasn’t always been easy, but I try my best not to give up.

For the last 3+ months I have been eating right and seriously working my ass off at the gym. I was definitely seeing success (building muscle, feeling better, losing inches, etc). But I just wasn’t seeing the results I was hoping for on the scale.

One week I would lose 3 pounds, the next I would gain 2, lose .2, gain 1. The scale was trending down — slowly — in the right direction, but not as quickly as I thought it should be for as hard as I was working.

I got discouraged. Really discouraged.

For about two weeks I hated every second of meal prepping, eating the right meals, working out, and don’t even get me started on the extra cardio.

I was a completely miserable person, but Friday evenings leading up to weigh ins on Saturday mornings were the worst. I would make sure not to eat after 7, and attempt to get lots of sleep. No matter how early I went to bed, I would lie awake worrying about what would happen when I stepped on that scale the following day.

Would all this work I have been doing for the last week be for nothing?

People did their best to cheer me up. They reminded me that I was getting healthier, stronger, that muscle weighs more than fat, etc.

This last Saturday I stepped on the scale and was up two pounds for the second week in a row. I just broke. I found myself in tears yet again. How can I be doing all this work for the scale to be going in the opposite direction. It just wasn’t fair.

My trainer, being far more understanding with yet another round of tears than is fair to ask of him, reassured me that he was going to help me figure out what is going on. I couldn’t quit. I had to just keep pushing forward and eventually something was going to give.

We would be approaching things a little differently going forward. From now on I would be weighing in on my own scale every day and sending him the number. From there he would tweak my daily meal plan based on the scale that day.

I was ready for pretty much anything.

Every day this week (and it is only Wednesday) I have been working out 1-3 times a day, eating right, and stepping on that scale. Sure enough, every day the number has been going down, and much faster than I could have expected.

After talking to my trainer this afternoon after deadlifting class, he told me that he think I put so much pressure on myself to lose, I stressed my body out to the point that it just wasn’t happening.

Then, when the scale didn’t move in the right direction, I would be miserable. I struggled through workouts and hated my meals. I would spend the following week feeling let down, and worrying that I was letting my trainer down. That would stress me out more and then the scale wouldn’t move again.

It made complete sense.

Now that I have daily  weigh-ins, I feel like I am in a much better spot mentally. I am enjoying going to classes again, I wouldn’t say I enjoy my extra cardio, but I don’t dread it all day, and I am in a much better mood.

I am now looking forward to weighing in on Saturday. It certainly isn’t out of the question to think that I will have a 5+ pound loss this week. If that doesn’t help me get in the right frame of mind, I don’t know what will.

 

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Another 5K in the books

Yesterday, my husband and I both finished the local YMCA’s St. Patrick’s Day 5K Run/Walk. He did the run and I did the walk.

I have done other 5Ks in the past, but this one was a little bit different for me.

A couple months ago I told my trainer I intended on working on the couch to 5K (again) and trying to run this one instead of doing my normal 90 minute workout with him. He told me that I would be better off doing the workout because I would burn calories for longer after the workout was over than if I ran.

So I decided to do the workout.

When I heard my sister in law and husband both intended to do the run, I decided I would register, and if I was feeling good enough after the workout, I would do the walk.

I wasn’t feeling so great after the difficult workout, but I decided to suck it up and do the walk anyway.

It was extremely hard. I regretted doing it before I even took the first time. I also regretted wearing my brand new running shoes.

As I winded my way through town, I had to talk myself out of stopping at friends houses along the route and begging them to drive me back to my car.

I was tired, sore from the workout, my feet hurt, and I was getting shin splints with every step. Around the 2 mile walk I texted my husband, who i was confident had already finished his run.

Me: My back hurts so bad.

Him: Walk

Me: That’s all I have done

Him: U got it. Where are you?

About 5 minutes later I see him walking up the street toward me. Honestly, I was fighting back tears. Now I knew there was no way I wasn’t going to finish. He wouldn’t let me.

He walked the rest of the way with me, and made me jog the last 1/10 of a mile or so.

To say I was dusted at the end is quite the understatement.

It was far from my best 5K time ever, but with the exception of my first ever race, it was the one I am most proud of for finishing.

I am also INCREDIBLY proud of my husband and sister in law for each finishing in under 28 minutes.

Living a healthy lifestyle isn’t always easy, but it is so much better when you have company!

An inspiration? Who… ME???

I always find it strange when people say I am inspiring them to live a healthier lifestyle. After all, who on earth would want to follow in my footsteps? I’m a 30-something woman with over 100 pounds to lose.

Might as well put me on one of those motivational posters!

Oddly enough, I have been getting that more and more lately. I find myself at the beginning, again, and again, and again, of what is going to be a very long (lifelong) journey for me. For me to be an inspiration to others comes with some amount of pressure.

I want to be one of those people who, two years and 100 pounds down the road, can look at someone starting their journey and say “If I can do it, YOU can do it.”

But frankly, I am still worried I will never get to that point. Part of me knows if I stick to it long enough and don’t give up, I will succeed. But there is always that nagging part of me that knows I have failed each and every time up to this point. Maybe I am only kidding myself that this time will be any different.

Today I had to leave one of my workout classes because my back just wasn’t holding up. It was hurting and threatening to go out on me. I wanted to push through the pain and finish the 30 minute workout, but my trainer sent me home.

Part of me is very disappointed in myself that I quit. The other part of me is glad I left. In the past I probably would have pushed through and potentially hurt myself. All it is going to take to potentially majorly derail my progress is to have my back go out on me and be sidelined from the gym for two weeks. At this point, I can’t lose momentum, even if that means not finishing one workout.

I was feeling pretty down when I got home. Then I got a perfectly timed text from a friend saying she has been reading this blog, watching on Facebook, and following my journey. She let me know she joined a gym a week ago and has not skipped a day in nearly a week.

SO AWESOME!

I was thrilled and so proud of her.

In the last couple weeks, I have had a couple other people let me know that I have inspired them to change their own lives. They may not all be the biggest changes, but they are something. Whether it is passing on the office baked goods being passed around, parking at the back of the parking lot instead of the front, or drinking water instead of soda, little changes add up.

I wish it were as easy for me to recognize and take pride in the changes I have made in my own life as it is for me to recognize when others do the same.

I’ve been told I am my own worst critic… and aren’t we all? Something else for me to work on. For now, I am just going to keep on going.

Tomorrow’s another day, one with my favorite new class at the gym, but more about that another day.

Achieving a goal. Sort of.

OK, so remember that post I made about a year ago. The one where I said my goal was to lose 60 pounds before my wedding. Well, it didn’t happen. And I’m OK with it.

I had a beautiful wedding, in a beautiful dress, and even though I am confident I didn’t lose a single pound after I made that post, there’s nothing I can do about it now.

Fast forward to 13 months later, here I am, still overweight and fighting my battle. And here I am writing yet another blog post about how I am starting again, but this time I am going to do it.

Will I succeed? Who knows, but I have to try.

Four months ago I told myself I had to get some kind of accomplishment under my belt before posting again, or I couldn’t take myself seriously, let alone expect anyone else to. Here’s a wrap of from then to now…

After the wedding last year, my new sister in law introduced me to her gym. One where there is a lot of structure, no open gym, all workouts are classes led by a personal trainer.

She told me about the gym’s 49-Day Shred program she was participating in, where you were expected to attend classes 5-6 days per week, add in cardio, and follow a strict meal plan.

Honestly, it sounded terrible, but just what I needed.

About ½ way through her shred, I decided to join the gym, carefully watching her progress with the shred, asking questions, learning my way around the gym, and mulling over whether I would sign up for the next shred.

Around Thanksgiving time, I decided I was going to sign up for the next shred, which started the first week in January. My goal was to lose 20 pounds in the seven weeks.

I figured it would be best to ease myself into it, so I went to the Tuesday night Shred class, which consisted of 90 minutes of weight training in roughly four-minute intervals with cardio exercises in between stations.

It was during that workout I realized I made a HUGE mistake. There was no way I would be able to complete another one of those workouts.

It was the hardest workout I had ever done. Half a dozen times during the workout I considered just getting up and walking out. I finished on the verge of tears. When my sister-in-law asked me what I thought, the dam broke and I started crying. I told her how embarrassed I was to have done as badly as I did. How I couldn’t breathe. How everything hurt. There was no way I could go back.

She gave me a pep talk, (the first of many) as did several other gym-goers as they were leaving, some I knew, others, I didn’t.

I think that was the first time I got a taste of the gym family that had been developed. That night, several gym members sent me messages of encouragement and the trainer reached out to me to say I did well.

My goal was no longer to lose 20 pounds. It was just to make it to the other side of the shred without quitting.

Reluctantly, I went back the next day, and the next, and the next. I started the shred, and slowly but surely, things got easier. Not easy, but there was definite progress with how I was feeling during and after workouts, and I was gaining strength.

Long story short, and eight weeks later, I finished my first Shred and am down about 10 pounds and 28 inches. I am anxiously awaiting my before and after photos.

I certainly didn’t lose the 20 pounds I was hoping for. But I did something better. I finished the program. One that, eight weeks ago, I didn’t think I had a chance of finishing.

I am sure I will write more about this program from time to time. I really think this gym will be the difference between my quitting (again) and reaching my goals. Whatever those may be.

It’s hard, but it’s worth it. I think?

There are days I look forward all day to going to the gym and working out, there are even days I get up first thing in the morning and go before work. There are days I truly like being there.

Today was not one of those days.

Today I had to drag myself, kicking and screaming, but I went. I particularly dread going to the gym on running days, I still haven’t reached the point in my training that it is fun — at all. But people keep assuring me I will get there. We’ll see.

Thursday I started Week 3, day 1 of the Couch to 5K program, and while I did better than I expected, I wasn’t able to make it through all of the running parts. Today, however, I did! I was pretty pumped. Even though I was dreading going, that feeling made it worth it.

Of course that isn’t making me dread Monday’s run any less.

I think I am starting to get my diet back under control after my slip ups while traveling. That is, and probably always will be, the hardest part.

I wish it were easier to think of the milestones that made me proud of myself before I slip up on the diet. I just need to keep reminding myself that in the long run it will be worth it.

Today’s weigh in had me down 6.2 pounds this week, which I was thrilled about, so overall now I am down 33.2 pounds. I would like to lose another 67 this year, which will me hard, and maybe not possible, but that is my goal.

Making slow, painful progress

There are only so many times one can say “I am starting over again, and this time I am going to succeed” before people stop believing you.

I crossed that line several times ago, yet here I am again.

That’s why this time I wanted to wait until I really got the ball rolling and accomplished something before I post anything on here.

It has been seven weeks today since I started the lifestyle change (again) and I feel like it is time to start writing about it again since it seems to help quite a bit.

Even though I have been at this a while again, the weight isn’t coming off as quickly as I would like (not that it ever does). I am down 13 pounds, but honestly I could definitely be doing better on my food choices, so it is my fault the numbers on the scale aren’t dropping as fast as I would like.

There were two weeks in the middle that I was travelling the whole time, the first week I was in Chicago and managed not to be completely awful on my diet, and was very active exploring the new city.

The second week visiting my parents, wasn’t so pretty. That’s behind me though, and here I am again

I have been pretty good about making it to the gym on a regular basis, despite my busy schedule. Even though I can’t see any difference in my body, I am definitely getting stronger and my endurance is getting better.

I started the Couch to 5 K program again a couple weeks ago. It isn’t easy, it’s slow going and it’s painful and tiring, but slowly I am improving. Today I did week 3, day. I couldn’t quite do 100 percent of the running portions, but I did better than I expected. When I first started a couple weeks ago I seriously struggled to get through the first workout — like, I couldn’t to it. Looking back on that makes me feel better about what I have done in a fairly short amount of time.

My goal is to be in shape enough to jog the YMCA’s Turkey Trot 5K in November. I have set this goal before, and have never succeeded, but hopefully I will this time.

Only time will tell.

 

Fall down 77 times, get up 78?

If starting over again is the hardest part, then why-oh-why do I keep quitting in the first place?

If you follow my blog at all, you know that if I am not writing I am not doing well working toward my healthy lifestyle goals. I can’t even remember the last time I made an entry.

Since New Year I have been trying to work out and eat better, with many, many ups and downs.

I plan on going into each in more detail in future blog posts, but so far this year I have joined a second gym, tried Spinning, Zumba, and have taken a six-week nutrition class.

Things are working, but more slowly than I am used to and that I would like. I have lost a few pounds, but am feeling stronger and a little more healthy. Still a long way to go, but this is a step in the right direction.

Today I realized I really needed to start writing again. It helps. I am going to work much harder to carve out a little time every day to focus on myself and write things down. In the past it has helped keep me going, organize my thoughts and clear my head. Knowing I have people cheering me on helps a lot too.

I know this post is a little all over the place, but that is how I am feeling right now. More on that in the near future I’m sure.

Right now all I know is I am taking this one day at a time. I am not beating myself up if I miss a workout or eat that cookie. I am going to be on this journey and enjoy life at the same time. As long as I continue in the right direction any progress is good progress.

A little more inspiration

I just read a great blog post that reminded me of my own experience I will forever refer to as the “beer bottle throwing incident of 2014.

Has anyone ever made fun of you for working out in public? Read it.

Do you feel uncomfortable working out in public? Read it.

Are you someone that makes fun of others for trying to better themselves. Read it and grow up.

Here is the link: Dear Neighbor Who Is Running And Working Out Outside

It was hard for me to write about the asshole who thought it was appropriate to throw a beer bottle at me while working out. At first I didn’t want to tell anyone about it, let alone blog about it. In the long run I am SO glad I did. The response I got was incredibly overwhelmingly positive.

The post was shared dozens of times. People I barely know stopped me in the streets of my small town and motivated me to keep going and ignore the haters.

Here are some of the comments I got on my Facebook page alone after posting the blog (I got over 40 so I won’t be sharing them all):

“Love you, girl! While he was pointing one finger at you, three of his fingers were pointing back at him. Judging says nothing about the one being judged, but everything about the one doing the judging! You have the right attitude! Keep being you and speaking your truth and shining your beautiful light! xo”

“Ya know, you are totally right. What a jerk! Lynn, I really admire you for your attitude and for your work ethic. It’d be easy to let him get into your head but you didn’t. Good for you. Keep up the good work. One day at a time! Love you!”

“you’re a hero. A friend of mine had a similar experience here in Boston last year while she was training for the webster triathalon, which she was doing to loose weight so she and her husband could get pregnant. She gave birth to her baby girl last week…I’m doing the triathalon in her honor this year because she just inspired me so much. You are so right about the dude that yelled at you, his life must be total shit, and will continue to be. My first instinct in these situations is to yell back “sorry about your tiny shrivled shrimp penis! good luck!”, ….feel free to use that whenever.““Your a gorgeous person inside and out what a pathetic excuse of a man!!! Fantastic article!! And ps curvy is sexy so sod that pathetic excuse of a human being xxx“

Thank you to all who encourage me, who keep me motivated, and are endlessly supportive. This is a long, hard journey, but I am going to make it, and I have people like you to thank for that.

I am quickly learning that for every discouraging asshat out there putting people down for working out, there are easily 100 cheering them on (whether they verbalize it or not).

To the “Neighbor Who Is Running And Working Out Outside” thanks for the motivation. Keep up the good work!

Thanks for the motivation, asshole

Saying I have had a hard time getting motivated to eat and workout lately would be the understatement of the year. After getting home from work, I just want to relax. Life’s stresses make me want to eat anything and everything in sight. I’m sure many of you relate.

Today I managed to pull together some motivation to ride my bike to the neighboring town. I have been riding a couple times a week — the longest ride so far being 16 miles. Today’s route wasn’t far — only about eight miles — but it required me to climb the steepest hill I have faced so far.  As I was very slowly climbing the worst part of the long hill, a Jeep came up behind me on the highway. A college-age man hung his head out the vehicle, yelled “fatass” and threw an empty beer bottle at me.

Classy.

The beer bottle shattered on the pavement next to me, sending sharp shards of glass bouncing off the road, hitting my legs and bike.

Physically I wasn’t hurt, but that action by a complete stranger hurt emotionally. It completely took the wind out of my sails for a couple minutes at a time I needed it the most.

Being overweight for most of my life, I have never been a fan of working out in public. I always worry about what other people are thinking about me. Every time someone looks at me, I just know that they are judging me, wondering why I even bother. Whether that is true or not, that is what I convinced myself was happening. Today’s incident pretty much confirmed that.

Eventually I worked my way to the top of that hill, and I was proud of myself. The downhill on the other side was amazing, relaxing, and gave me time to think about what just happened.

It took a lot, but I made it to the top, and it was worth it.

For a minute or so I was pissed about the jackwagon who thought it appropriate, or even fun, to try to discourage me from bettering myself. Once that passed, I actually felt bad for him. He must lead a pretty sad, pathetic life if actions like that are how he chooses to entertain himself.

I will never know if he was trying to discourage me, make me feel bad about myself, or just trying to get a laugh out of his buddy who was driving. Ultimately it doesn’t matter. What he managed to do was motivate me.

I had a revelation while on my ride. I don’t care anymore what people think or say about me while I am working out in public. If people have a problem with me working out in public, that is their problem, not mine. (For those of you who have telling me that for years, yes, it finally sunk in.)

Right now, I may be a “fatass,” but I don’t have to be. I can eat right, work out, and continue to improve physically and emotionally, and I am taking steps in that direction. I can change.

The bottle thrower is a pathetic person who clearly can’t or won’t control his actions. The highlight of his day is putting other people down. That is no way to live.

I can can change, but in my experience, people like him don’t. He is the one I pity.

So thanks for giving me the motivation I have been desperately searching for. If you’re reading this and you ever see me out, I owe you a beer.

Cooling down after my afternoon ride.

 

 

Instant motivation

A cute bridesmaid dress you can wear again?!?!? Sign me up!

So, clearly I have not been blogging, which means I have not been eating right or working out. I have made excuse after excuse. After losing 70 pounds last year, I know I am perfectly capable of losing the weight, but I let life get in the way and put 15 of it back on.

Motivation to get back on the horse and lose more has just been dropped into my lap. My little sister is getting married! Now I need to look fabulous in my bridesmaid’s dress!

Now I just need to get through the first 10 or so days. Those are always the hardest days for me, getting started again. Last time I started out seriously wondering if I could do it. Now I know I can, I just need to keep at it.

I ate like a rabbit today (lots of salad and fruit). But between my 14 hour work day and and -20 wind chill outside during my break, I didn’t have a chance to work out. My rabbit food is packed for tomorrow and my sneakers are ready so I can take a walk on my lunch break.

My goal is to lose 50 pounds by the wedding, which is October 18. IDEALLY I would like to go lose 65 pounds by then, the 15 pounds I have put on in the last 6 months, plus an additional 50.

Wish me luck, I’ll keep you updated! (really)